Complaints?
Fun Times Complaints Dept Dr Josefina Monasterio and two fellow female body-builders
Report any errors, things you may not like and any other grievances to our complaints department.
(If you click on Dr. Josefina's face (center) you can watch videos that will show YOU how to grow all this muscle!)

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Q&A the
WITCH DOCTOR

This witch doctor knows everything, and he's the South Florida Fun Time's latest new columnist.

witch doctor parody Fun Times page

Dear Witch Doctor:
Is there any way I can "unflatten" my chest WITHOUT surgery?

— Olive Oyl in Boynton Beach


Dear Olive:
Take two deceased toads and boil them in a kettle of hot water. Add spices as necessary. (In the event no toad cadavers can be found, one lobster will do.)
Dance the "Twist" dance a full minute before and after you eat, and do this weekly for four weeks.
You should notice improvement, but if not, at least you will have enjoyed some great dinners.


Hey Mr. Witch Doctor:
My wedding is next weekend and it's out on the beach!
Is there anything you can do to keep the rain away?
— Worried in Wellington

Dear Worried:
The day before your wedding gather up a minimum of 12 people (bridesmaids and groomsmen will do nicely.)
At precisely 24 hours before the main event, ask everyone to kneel, then bow each time they say these three magic words:
"Owa" (Oh-wah)
"Tagoo" (Tuh-Gu)
"Siam"(Sigh-am)

Have them repeat the three words faster each cycle. Let me know how that worked for you, and congratulations.

Need advice or good luck? Do you want curses placed on your enemies?
Email YOUR questions
to "Q&A the Witch Doctor"!


Man uses 'talking dog' to snag free meal

A penniless patron attempted to get a free meal from a restaurant by claiming his dog could talk!

The incredulous manager agreed to give the "talking dog" a shot, so the pooch's owner then asked, "What covers a tree?"
"Bark", replied the mutt, a dachshund/chihuahua mix.
"What is on top of a house," the patron again asked, and the dog answered "roof!"
The manager, sensing a scam, stepped in with his own query. "Who's the greatest player in baseball?" He asked.
The dog replied, "roof!"
At that, the man — and his pet — were ejected. Just then a Fun Times reporter stumbled upon the dazed pair picking themselves up off the sidewalk.
Seeking an explanation, the dog wryly responded, "I
think I should have said "Pete Rose."

* * *

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Celebrity Lookalikes
are raking it in!
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1960s Top Ten music sensation Bob Lind has written a novel

Fun Times Cover Features Bobby The Balloon Guy
Entertainer Restaurant Appearances

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BIZARRE NEWS Page


Space Aliens Made Me Late for a Birthday Party, Claims Caricature Artist!

Space alien caricature
PROOF: Caricaturist holds up a space alien caricature he kept for himself after his harrowing ordeal.

A party caricature artist heading for a South Florida birthday party claims he was delayed by extraterrestrials!

YOU can appear in a spoof story!
Email us!

Even more bizarre, they forced him to draw caricatures of their entire UFO crew, revealed the caricaturist who declined to be identified.

"I took a shortcut through a remote area when suddenly flashing lights accompanied by an eerie hum got my attention," he told the Fun Times.
"Like a car out of gas. my motor suddenly konked out and I found myself surrounded by little gray men with bulging black eyes and big heads, They pointed at my sketch pad and began posing with the weirdest attempts at smiling I'd ever seen...so I KNEW what they wanted.

"Frankly, it was an easy gig," he admitted, "since they all looked alike to me. I drew each head in less than a minute each.
"They then jumped back into their saucer and left, no "thank you," ...not even a tip."

"I made it to the party 15 minutes late, but they forgave me after hearing my explanation. Even gave me a big tip," he added.

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'One Out of Five Radio Show Hosts are Space Aliens,' warns Top Prof

WASHINGTON — One out of five radio show hosts are here from another planet — and the government knows all about it, says a top university professor.
Professor Cid Apluk testified before the little-known Congressional House of Alien Activities last month, presenting evidence gathered over four decades. "Radio stations were a natural base of operations for these creatures," he said, "They inserted themselves into positions to control public communication and soften us up prior to any planned invasion. But that was many years ago, Prof. Apluk added, "things have long since changed."
"Now they're stuck here, and even space aliens have to eat. Soo-oo-o, they keep working."
..
Chart shows you how to identify space aliens
TOP SECRET CHART "How to Spot an Extraterrestrial in Disguise" was leaked to the Fun Times.

Professor Apluk, UFO alien expert
Prof. Apluk
"Most average radio personalities do radio because they're just too homely-looking for television," explained the Prof. "In stark contrast, Space Alien radio personalities tend to be much better looking, and those folks WOULD succeed in TV. BUT...they did not want to risk being spotted by those government men in black, so they stuck to radio. Great hiding place."
Howard Stern a space alien?
Howard Stern
"They also like to work in pairs," Prof. Apluk added.
"These space aliens tend to succeed exponentially because their enhanced extraterrestrial intelligence enables them to dream up better material. And, they think us Earthlings are funny anyway." When pressed by the Fun Times, Professor Apluk declined to identify the extraterrestrials' planet of origin, but did offer an explanation as to why no alien invasion ever occurred. "Captain Kirk scared 'em off, he revealed.
Rush Limbaugh space alien?
Rush Limbaugh
Does this mean shock radio talkers like Howard Stern or Rush Limbaugh are space aliens too, we asked? "Some extraterrestrials were sent here...OTHERS were kicked off their home planet," the Prof answered.
Finally, we asked the obvious: "Are there any space alien deejays in South Florida?"
"They're everywhere," the Prof replied. He also declined to name his university, only saying "don't worry, it's not FAU."

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2010 Video Shows Near-perfect Rectangular Cloud Over Singer Island!

 
Everyone's heard of cloud rings, crop circles and other phenomenon — but who's ever heard of cloud RECTANGLES?
For something like this to occur, either an object or the wind would have to make near-perfect 90-degree-angle tuirns.
This video was taken by caricaturist Captain Cartoon at the Sailfish Mariuna on Singer Island back in 2010.

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  'Masked Reviewer'
Samples His First Restaurant

Restaurant reviewers must ply their trade "incognito", so the South Florida Fun Times sent this masked expert to review a South Florida restaurant.

By The Masked Reviewer

I could smell the aroma of grilled beef a mile away, so I was ready to eat an entire cow when I sauntered into this highly popular eatery to sample its menu.

Bat Boy's Daddy resembles that famed little tyke.When reviewing restaurants, I always order my favorite meal — a hamburger platter — as this gives me basis for comparison.

I was not to be disappointed. The juicy burger arrived just as I ordered it, medium rare with all the trappings, living up to the promise made by all that hunger-spiking aroma outside.
The fries were perfect, crisp yet fresh. very tasty — better than McD's!

The waitress was prompt, personable — and with a figure that would make Pamela Anderson envious. Her long, flowing, almost musically harmonious blonde hair supplemented the establishment's pleasant surroundings, as did all the pretty girls working there. (Editor's note: are we reviewing the food or the servers here?)

My server also did her best to distract curious onlookers, since I advised her I was there as an incognito reviewer and did not want attention. After all, this was kids' Nite, and most thought I was one of the entertainers.

My only complaint about the entire episode? They surprised me with "the check."
Saying I was the "Masked Reviewer" didn't wash. Their response? "We don't care if you're the Lone Ranger — Pay up." I had my limo driver cover the bill (with a nice tip for the server.) However, since they didn't spot me a freebie, I won't say which restaurant I reviewed — regardless as to how good the food and service was.

I may not be the brightest bulb on the planet, but I won't wear this mask here again. Next time I'll try out my Darth Vader mask.

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The Masked Reviewer stands ready to review YOUR restaurant, especially if you offer prime rib or steak. Contact the South Florida Fun Times for details! (WARNING: The South Florida Fun Times publisher sometimes doubles as a satirist.)

Dick Kulpa is the former Editor of Weekly World News. He also published CRACKED Magazine from 2001-2004.
Check out his CRACKED Interview!



lilly animation

 

Author & Punster Kathy Johnson Interviewed
...and it's alot of 'pun!'

Kathy Johnson


 

van performing enema


The South Florida Fun Times serves: Boca Raton, Boynton Beach, Davie, Coral Springs, Deerfield Beach, Delray Beach, Fort Lauderdale, Greenacres, Hallandale, Hobe Sound, Jupiter, Hollywood, Lake Worth, Lantana, Miami, Palm Beach, Palm Springs, Pompano Beach, Port St. Lucie, South Miami, Stuart, West Palm Beach, Vero Beach, Weston and areas adjacent to these cities.
www.southfloridafuntimes.com ©2014 Dick Kulpa All Rights Reserved

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